the zhaf speaks

Monday, September 29, 2003:

correlation ::bent:: doggone determined

it all seemed so immensely poetic n surreal, hearin dose 2 songs one after another on e radio. e first painted a clear picture of my current situation n wat i haf to do now. e second gaf flesh to fears n doubts vaguely driftin ard in e ocean of my consciousness, slightly below e water's surface.

---

eminem-lose yourself
look, if you had one shot, one opportunity
to seize everything you ever wanted… one moment
would you capture it or just let it slip?
skip ahead to...
you better lose yourself in the music, the moment
you own it, you better never let it go
you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
this opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo

---

new radicals-someday we'll know
is true love once in a lifetime?
did the captain of the titanic cry?
someday we'll know
if love can move a mountain
someday we'll know
why the sky is blue

---

my relentless pursuit has borne fruit, i've finally procured e oh-so-elusive mp3 for don richmond's bent. monumental achievement man, it ranks way up dere wif e chillout/loungydance classics like lady (hear me tonight). tight man, real tight, like spandex on a bodybuilder. okae bad simile (or is it metaphor) but yea u get my drift. reeli hope dis track makes it big globally, its high time for e top few local talents to reeli see e light of dae.

---

so you think you're happy
just movin' around -in the crowd-
i think you're searchin'
for something new
cause when the music's playing it gets to me
and I hope it gets you too
just close your eyes and set you free
is what you gotta do

now
-slideee- -ooo- -ver- -here-
-slideee- -ooo- -ver- -here-
*just give me a chance baby*
-slideee- -ooo- -ver- -here-
-slideee- -ooo- -ver- -here-

well i'm bent on lovin' you, bent on lovin'
it feels like I can't let go
when you're inside, outside, outside in
it feels like I'm losin' control
x2

why won't you look at me?
don't make a sound
i know you're hurtin'
want to let you know
won't let you go
all I think about is you

-slideee- -ooo- -ver- -here-
-slideee- -ooo- -ver- -here-

well i'm bent on lovin' you, bent on lovin'
it feels like I can't let go
when you're inside, outside, outside in
it feels like I'm losin' control
x2

-and i want to be free
won't you come with me?-
-and i can make you happy
baby can't you see?-

*wo-wo-oh
ah-ha*
*ah-ha
du-du-du-du-du*

...so you think you're happy...

well I'm bent on lovin' you, bent on lovin'
it feels like I can't let go
when you're inside, outside, outside in
it feels like I'm losin' control

*wo-wo-oh
ah-ha*
*ah-ha
du-du-du-du-du*
::fade into e distance of non-existence::

---

on e way home
me:"nxt wk we pon sch. all we will do is pray, eat shit n sleep"
red:"u forgot smthin"
me:"oh ya shit studyin rite"
bummer

anyhow, e long march has begun. surprisingly askin dad for e fundin wuzn as traumatic as i anticipated.

hmm i'm receivin mixed reviews of my new hp. 60-40 in favour of it bein nice. i shall assume most of e 40% r hardcore nokia kias.

will 4 daes of sloggin be enuff to prepare me for dis? will it be worth it, cos dere r a slew of other pressin concerns for me to attend to... 4 wasted daes if i dun get in.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 10:28 am

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Sunday, September 28, 2003:

_|_

stupid tagboard keeps hangin my com. ok i noe my com's a 566mhz sluggard but still, i maintain it's e tagboard's fault. more accurately its programmers. dey all shud code more efficiently so it duzn take a dozen lifetimes to load. so scru y'all :P

for all u boliao ppl, yea dere's still e commentin system (click on vacant and silent halls) ^_^

well we've had enuff of talk.
lights, camera, ACTION!

so it begins. hurtling forward supersonically towards an uncertain future. conversely, it cud be the future heading towards us at breakneck speed. we know exactly what we must do. henceforth we pursue the resplendent future dangled always seemingly a few paces ahead of us. jailbreakers we are, we're going for broke in order to escape the insipid placidity and humdrum typicality permeating the system. don't lose yer marbles now chum, we have quite aways to go. HAH

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 9:51 am

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Saturday, September 27, 2003:

questionable. dubious. your motives.

i try listenin to cheery music in a futile attempt to infuse even the minutest amt of faith into my soul. of cos i gif up, i can smash my head on e wall only so many times.


lay beside me, tell me what they've done
speak the words i wanna hear, to make my demons run
the door is locked now, but it's open if you're true
if you can understand the me, then i can understand the you...

lay beside me, under wicked sky
thru black of day dark of night, we share this paralyze
the door cracks open, but there's no sun shining thru
black heart scarring darker still, but there's no sun shining thru...

metallica - the unforgiven II


not e best fit, but it delineates my current mental state after a fashion.

amazin how grotesque sum inhabitants of our imperfect world are. hypocrites who refuse to grant others forgiveness but r no less screwed up den dose dey condemn. u shits dunt deserve forgiveness too u noe. n so often i find myself yieldin n givin it to y'all. well to forgive is divine eh? haha allow me to derive a miniscule measure of comfort from tt.

my forbearance has paid off, i finally haf a handphone! a gorgeous work of art she is, a motorola e365. full 45,000 colour screen, superb audio n polyphonic ringtones, built in cam, lotsa nice games n plenty of features. a bargain at 238 bux man! i haf waited so very long for dis. hmm muz start usin my 1000 sms a month...

ppl r gettin sick, n celene's ailment seems to be terrifyin. if ure readin dis, take care of ureself, u gotta get better, i noe u will :)

pool bloody on form todae sia, lost only 1 game. sorry howard :P havin time to juz sit ard n tok abt anythin n everythin is thoroughly stimulatin man. u reeli r makin full use of e opportunities available to u, tt makes me a tad jealous n immensely happy at e same time. ure on e rite track bro n things will be goin ure wae for sum time to come yea?

muz practice a little more mindfullness to bring abt cessation of all dis bumbling, trippin over all dese little matters.

wat u can do n wat u can't do. who bloody decides, ure genes or ure beliefs?

i dun understand, how do u make me feel dis wae, even when i dun wan to? u leave me perplexed. aniwae, y shud it be ani different from how tings formerly were? i ask only tt u dispose of ure premeditations n pretensions. too hard for u?

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 11:19 am

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Thursday, September 25, 2003:

ebb n flow

life. nothin more den a vessel carryin u, harmonically oscillation from one good/bad time to e nxt. sumtimes everythin goin on ard u resonates wif ure very essence. other times everythin seems so dissonant n horrifyinly lacks ani semblance of synchronity.

todae conclusively proved tt rainy daes aren't necessarily inferior. au contraire, dey haf a potential to be beautiful. perhaps any dae of e week duz. slumberous stupor intensified by e perpetual cries of e raindrops outside. tho i din get much done todae, i'm glad i found e time to tok to more ppl todae, slow tings down, feel myself takin each n every step wif sum measure of deliberation. still, dere r sum tings i reeli shud haf done. instances where i sumhow juz gaf in to abject apathy. irrational n counterintuitive compulsions sumhow overridin my instincts. well screw fear.

haha arm wrestlin wuz amusin. din noe i cud outwrestle sum ppl. but of cos mark is frickin strong la. no way i'm outwreslin him anitime soon. i'm prob only slightly above avrg. wonder how mark'll stack up against timtay or weiming tho.

well, it appears my grey matter retains a decent amt of phys even now. helped zy solve physics qn. yea so wat rite? well i dun frickin take physics! times like dese i wonder y i'm doin econs.

n yes. i shud start plannin post-promos. parties, pool, snooker, overnites, movies, bowling, guitar, dancin, sleepin, readin, buffeting, backpackin, cca, job attachments, competitions n hopefully a research project.
tt wuz gd. now i'm psyched up to do some work. i haf sumthin to look forward to, feel e pain bfore savourin e pleasure. can't hardly wait.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 10:00 am

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Tuesday, September 23, 2003:

and i wonder

what lurks deep beneath e still waters of my soul. amazinly i partook of e viciousness meted out to a certain person todae. arguably harmless cos she seems to be oblivious to e brouhaha. but still, yes, but still...
e presence of malice nestled in admirable intentions. amazin how one moment angelic one moment, a raging demon e nxt, joinin in wif e mindless mob, stonin a common target. herd mentality i believe.
i refuse to get sucked in. i must refrain from degeneration n lettin such carnal instincts hold sway. bah.

oh shit man. lots of atkins, clayden, reeve, warren n sykes to read up.

tt incident in e library. awkward. still sufficient mutual respect from both our sides. was tt a grudge i felt in e air, or simply paranoia actin up? it sure isn't simple now. i realise now my fears haf no substantial backin. yet, i shall be prudent n watch my steps. take it slow n make sure i'm familiar wif e rules of engagement. dis is a game n i've got to pull off sumthin sufficiently sublime as recompense for the past. it's so clear, it's all abt e fear. my own in particular.

e noose tightens ever so slowly. how shall i save myself?

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 10:07 am

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Sunday, September 21, 2003:

sian boh

manu arse 0-0. kinda disappointing cos manu squandered its numerous chances. a pity tt ronaldo's clinical administration of near-lethal crosses neva culminated in even a single goal. a nice game to watch, manu n arse r arguably e best 2 teams in e premiership after all. cud haf been nicer if either side scored tho. oh n e ref made alot of shitty decisions. sendin off e arse skipper wuz uncalled for.

arrived at kino close to 930 only to hear someone announce over e sound system tt e store wud be closin in 5 minutes. lucky for me e ques were very long, gaf me a buffer of 20min or so to pick my stuff. 20% off storewide tt dae only so i simply had to make sum purchases.

i've added kabuki to my list of coveted comic series. it's brilliant, right up dere wif classics like sandman n lonewolf n cub. it reeli is pure genius, a compellin mix of stellar artwork n a multifaceted storyline divulgin its secrets in layers. utterly sublime wif an aftertaste of bewilderment n wonder.
abt a government agency in japan tt only exists in e shadows. it regulates organised crime n law enforcement agencies in japan. gets it done thru e use of elite female agents augmented by technology trained in e art of killin. e intellectual heart of e comic is its arresting confrontation of e sense of self n identity. e agents all wear masks, juz like actors in kabuki (japanese traditional theatre). all take on codenames n r conditioned to refrain from usin their real names, most suffer from neuroses from time to time. bah my powers of description fail me often, like now for example, n do little justice to e prodigious work of art tt kabuki is. drop by borders or kino n haf a look.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 11:06 am

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Friday, September 19, 2003:

not again...

damn i obliterated my post sumhow. aniwae a plethora of songs buzzin in my head now but sadly their titles elude me. can't download = shitty.

for once a reeli reeli fun fridae. esp pseudo-netball game wif e class, dinner afterwards n italian job wif howard. oh do watch italian job, great movie tt'll tickle n tittillate (no innuendos dere, serious!) wif a great soundtrack to boot.

a very long time ago i told u i wud wait. at tt moment in time i sincerely wanted to. at tt moment in time i meant wat i sed n i hoped so very much tt i wud wait for u cos u wud be worth it. den shit all happened. much of it can honestly be attributed to u, tho i'm partially accountable for it. mebbe it's not either of our faults? things juz happen sumtimes n u juz dont noe y. well wat in blazes is goin on now. i vowed to flush u out of my system. but yet i may be waitin for u, seein how i've done nothin abt anitin for so darn long. i dun want to admit it tho. cos u hurt me bad. so bad ppl cant seem to hurt me animore. it all pales in comparison to e pain u dealt me den.
like i've said bfore i reminisce every once in a long while, like now. it duzn hurt animore, i'm prob emotionally mute. i need to be released from all dis. frankly i cant do it myself. i tink u haf to release me. it cud be u, or sumone else perhaps? sum things i reeli dont noe, i haf to think thru it all. den again, i've followed dis train of thought dozens of times. hopefully sumthin'll change/happen dis time.

dont try to change tt person dearest to u. okae mebbe u can try, but pls dont force it. u reeli shud accept dem for who dey r. if not y did u fall in love wif dem in e first place?

picking up e pieces.
ever

so

s
l
o
w
l
y

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 11:45 am

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Wednesday, September 17, 2003:

slumber slumber sleep a little longer

when i opened my eyes dis mornin, sumhow meek lil' shafts of light were streamin in cheerfully thru e curtains-drawn-windows.
first ting tt entered my head wuz "shit i'm gonna be late for sch". as i woefully got out of bed and dragged my feet to exit e room, a wondrous sight greeted me, e wall clock showin 830am. i den returned to e comfort of my pillows to deliberate if i shud bother goin to sch. after all i'd prob arrive at sch at bout 1030 n lessons end 1210 on wed. i closed my eyes n soon sandman's train arrived to take dear ol' me to slumberland. but juz den i remembered, trainin after sch. bah.
no pls dun get me wrong, trainin is FRIGGIN sumthin i look forward to. juz tt my tchrs wud be on my case if dey saw me at trainin. eg:"Sick la, but still can go n plae bball la. gif u white slip!" fuck.

aniwae dilly dallied like siao n left e hse after 9. on e bus strange rumblin sounds were emanatin from my abdomen every minute or so, which induced me to savour a delectable egg mayo sandwich at delifrance. haha i finally got to sch at 11, attendin only slacky econs tutorial :P

well guess karma gets to ya, u can't haf it all gd yea? juz when e wound on my right knee heals i get a fresh one on my left knee durin trainin. even now my left knee's an angry, crimson red.

Knee oh knee i am ure Lord most high, so listen when i bloody tell u to HEAL IN TRIPLE FAST TIME. yes u heard me. heel knee, heel! oops spellin error i meant heal.

dang i envy my cousin who's in sec1. slackin her ass off. not to mention tt her mum's party to e whole ting haha. oh how i long for dose indulgent, halcyon daes of old, when i reeli cud do anitin i wanted cos e critical-future-determinin issues werent in sight, not for miles.

horror of horrors. e 156 i took home last nitewas inundated wif McShit propaganda. u noe e retarded "i'm lovin it" advertisin campaign (refer to previous post).
aniwae u noe dose "do not disturb" signs u hang on ure doorknob at hotels? well print McShit maxims on it, print a gazillion copies n hang dem all over e metal bars in a bus. seriously e bus wuz in a fuckin abhorrent state wif dem devilish things all over e place. wat a waste of paper. poor trees. screw u McShit.
i must admit tho tt i still eat 1 dollar McShit hamburgers. taste decent n 2-3 at a time kinda fill me up (for awhile aniwae). will neva, eva touch dere overpriced got-no-value meals tho. remember, buy yer meals from bk...

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 10:11 am

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Monday, September 15, 2003:

oh yea i'm lovin it

McShit is tryin to pull a fast one on us. seen their "i'm lovin' it" line of adverts in e press n television? a pathetic attempt at tryin to win back customers.
deceitful advertisin from a sorry excuse for a fast food giant servin subpar food at astronomical prices. e advertisements shed no light on e (lousy) food served at outlets prominently displayin e golden arches but instead showcase caucasian youths engagin in a whole variety of mostly pointless stuff (eg cross dressin) which haf nothin to do wif e (lousy n overpriced) food sold at McShit.

switch to bk everyone! student discounts on weekdays gets u most meals at 4.50 (provided ure wearin ure uniform or show ure student pass)

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 7:27 am

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Sunday, September 14, 2003:

39.0 to 37.3

reeli odd, e fever dissappeared within less than 24hrs, n without medicine too. hmm. y haf doctors, y do i aim to be one if tt's e case? for one most of modern medical treatment is still intrinsically ancient, contemporary medicine is still more symptomatic than causal in its approach.

hols r over, tho i'm glad to sae it wuz one of e longest weeks i've experienced dis whole yr. long not because it wuz tortuous but because it wuz thoroughly enjoyable. for once in a long while i feel very refreshed. still, 2 hrs of bio first thing in e mornin later on, shit.

my bro's frens came over to watch soccer last nite. one of dem showed me e trailer for metal gear solid 2. deliciously allurin. will hunt e game down n buy it. interestin how underneath it all, they've hardly changed, even after all these years.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 9:37 am

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Friday, September 12, 2003:

tryin circumstances

how vexing it is, when u've brilliantly lost sumthin n ure searchin high n low for it n u can't for e life of u find it. u feel ure way ard slowly like a blind man would, n at long last u serendipitously u find it. where? rite under ure nose, it's bloody been dere e whole time.

it aint easy to teach. while everythin may seem perfectly obvious n understandable to u, it is another ting entirely tryin to pass on tt understandin to dose under ure charge. e process more often den not is bloody onerous, slowin down to a snail's pace. i'm new to dis red so hang on while i get e hang of ure learnin style.

bought 5 friggin rims of fullskep paper todae. sumhow got me feelin psyched up to fill dem up by startin on e dauntin task of workin thru past yr promos. it's highly preferable to juz goin thru my notes n stuff by rote aniwae.

while others haf finished makin summary formulae sheets for math n notes for 70-80% of bio, i haf done 1 chem tutorial n finished half of a math promo paper. n wat of econs n bio den? if i were in ac, promos wud be my slaughterhse cos dey haf it so friggin earli. luckily we rj ppl still haf 30 days :P

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 12:24 pm

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Thursday, September 11, 2003:

carpe diem

calculative forbearance or simply apathetic hesitation? waitin for e opportune moment, or simply afraid of bein swept awae by sumthin so torridly momentous? i've reached a fork in a road, unable to portend which is e better of e two (or more) paths. no one path is manifestly superior, all lead into uncharted territory. so of cos i'll take my chances, but i'm spoilt for choice.

there are far too mani variables to consider n i can't bloody hell permute it all to come up wif sum optimum scheme for division of labour. dey say take things one at a time. but when dey come at u in a fusillade u rarely end up makin a rational choice, instead leavin it to gut feelin or simply pure chance. e power to make decisions is invaluable n yet burdensome. still, i wudn haf it ani other way.

curse memory, e voluminous repository for all dose cud-haf-beens, shud-haf-beens n mite-haf-beens. a rubbish bin tt mani of us leave be, ever so reluctant to clear it out. it is a chore to force ure memory to forget after all. even as we all move inexorably forward we seem to peer into e depths of e past, almost as tho we all haf eyes at e back of our heads. unfulfilled, unwillin to let go. it's hard not to bask n revel in past glories.

ostensibly my path seems pretty clear cut. a more exhaustive examination of e road ahead elucidates a journey rife wif uncertainty, inundated wif dozens of twists n turns. can't help but entertain e possibility tt i mite be better off doin sumthin else, tt i mite find more happiness doin sumthin a little more mundane n less challengin. duz self-satisfaction automatically equate to happiness? i wonder.

it all boils down to a handful of fundamental qns. what/who do u tink u r? what is it u truly desire? what makes u happy? what is it u hold dearest? who do u wanna be a decade down e road? it's hard to reach an equilibrium tt encompasses both idealism n pragmatism. it's extremely hard to survive on a diet consisting exclusively of one of e above.

i dun wanna go on forever not knowin y e friggin hell i'm doin dis or tt. u shudn either. but at least for dis, we bof noe tt e payout's gonna be big. prodigious dividends to be procured indeed. u cud see it as a do or die ting, but i figure life does go on whether or not we succeed in dis venture. like of cos it's one helluva humongous risk, e stakes r proportional to e winnins. so lets focus on wat we'll get in e end n more importantly, wat we will, have n must do. dis is no longer an ancillary matter to be trifled wif frivolously. i noe it's crazy, but we're crazier. how resplendent it wud be to end dis chapter of our lives in a searin blaze of glory.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 11:05 am

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Tuesday, September 09, 2003:

retainin little semblance of normality

crutches for e blithely ignorant
kakilang - buddies, ppl of ure inner circle
chiong sua la nabei - assumin ure sporean, ure n idiot if u dunno dis
ccb - i'd rather not spell it out
kan cheong - sigh... tightassed
hoot - whack
kiam pah - askin for a beatin, magnet for knuckle sandwiches
pah buay si - 'whack cannot die' aka indestructible

r: i'll make millions, not get married, den adopt lots of kids
me: u wanna wank for e rest of ure life?
hmm :P
gimme a break. u r how swankily smooth lor. btw ure silly contrivances nettle me sometimes. dun impress ure style on me dogmatically. dun force a square peg into a round hole.

registered for oct11 sat1 tonite. which may be slightly impetuous of me. after all promos start e mondae after. brilliant choice. still 1580+ is wat i'm gunnin for. time to volumise my vacuous vocabulary. n readin compre is such a bitch. pointless reeli. hopefully i'll score well, another bauble to add to my stash.

two hands is all i have. meagre compared to e multitude of things i desperately want to hold on to. i drop sumthin, pick it up n sumthin else drops. dynamic equilibrium, for i lose everytime i gain. net movement = zilch. mebbe shud let go of non-requisite items. let's not be picky shall we.

insouciance makes things easier. worries no longer fester n ferment into toxic mental waste. well wateva. i tink i'll get dere, juz tt e spiral staircase leadin dere is interminable, wif parts of e staircase missin here n dere, parts tt i cannot fill in on my own. oh boy it's one convoluted morass of hope n ambition. e things i want i want passionately. now all tt's left is to couple desire wif sum action. den mebbe i'll find my wae out of all of dis. den again dis maze cud be nothin more den a figment of my disarried imagination.

hmm i added e commentary system long time ago, start usin it oredi man. click on e 'vacant and silent halls (emptiness)' thingy at e end of posts.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 11:05 am

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Monday, September 08, 2003:

swingin, swayin, in transit

i'm harmonically oscillatin. my mood inexorably tethered to e music winamp's playin. one minute i'm psychedup nxt minute i tink e world shud f off. shiok boh?? wahlan kanina it's 330+ n i'm still up. qt kao siao.

ive yet to taste a sufficient amt of enjoyment, pleasure n decadence. kakilang i call u to arms, chiong sua la nabei! promos how far awae noe. aiya fuck care everythin la CCB. i kan cheong den kena hoot like a slut from hooters. no worries man. i may be kiam pah budden i oso pah buay si. so u all can pok kai liao la knn.

to tink i wuz feelin rather poetic few hours back. gazin into e wet darkness, listenin to e roar generated as e raindrops smashed against e pavement wif futile forcefulness. for a fleetin moment i experienced zen. suddenly all was nought. nothin. absolutely nothin. i was there on e front porch of my hse n yet i wuzn. e raindrops were a din in my ears n yet i heard nothin. e cold night air, blowin fiercely against my bare skin, enticed me to retreat to e warmth of my room. it suddenly became as still as death. for a moment, absolute nothingness. i revelled in inaction. elusively euphoric. it mite not happen ever again. i'll try gettin intimate wif heaven's tears another time, stand like a fool out in e open n let e rain smash into my face as i stare defiantly into e grey, ominous skies.

a risky plan. an insanely irrational plan. i'll sweep awae e detritus of e past. e steamin, searin intensity of action i'll seek; n i'll shun e chilly, rigor mortis of apathetic inaction. oh but yes there's only so much sand in e hourglass. every grain counts. divide n conquer, yes. work from e bottom up. it'll be absofuckinglutely brilliant if i pull it off. meet e requirements for cambridge med sch, ace my exams, get my dough so dad dun hafta worry no friggin more, get out of e system, enlist early. n oh boy, i'll be havin a blast of a time e whole damn way.

wow, BIG discovery. yours truly wants tt, n tt, n tt too. neva in my wildest dreams did i envision such monumental bounty. empyrean. indeed e cup hath runneth over. sandman's such a tease, danglin u juz like e proverbial carrot on a stick. ipod (u philistines had better noe wad e hell it is).

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 1:14 pm

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Sunday, September 07, 2003:

indelible longings

ever since a personal tragedy of sorts smote me last december i've hardened sumwat. e result of cos is an emotionally scarred n numbed zhaf. many feelins, longing included, dont knock on e door of my heart too often nowadaes, a result of my concerted attempt to avoid gettin stuck in quagmires of heartache. i think i've thoroughly convinced myself tt it simply isnt worth it. subsequently i've forged ahead thru e barren wasteland i perceived life to be wif dis belief branded firmly onto my psyche. feelins of longin take u on a ride down a one-way street, down heartache alley n into a place full of qns, confusion n vagueness. for awhile, resolve unwaverin, i stood my ground, refusin to let myself plunge into e depths of my wounded heart. every now n den i found myself flirtin wif e precipice, but i alwaes managed to take those few crucial steps back to a safer place. a place where my heart isnt emotionally bound to anione, where i can smugly assure myself i wont get hurt.
but then u came along n i sumhow wuz bamboozled into takin e plunge. in many ways i'm more alive now. but a curse comes wif it all, e terrible price i pay for feelin more intensely. e fortress of my heart has been stormed n now pain has been given form. pain so corporeal and worst of all, heartfelt. it's hittin me hard n fast now. i anticipated its arrival n am thankful tt it landed dis late, tho it chose a horrible time to pummel me, when i'm at my lowest n i need to rest, recover n pick up e pieces of myself tt i've left behind. verily, u cud be my undoin.

i need to get it out of my system - eradicate my false hopes n pulverise tt castle on a cloud. i want to be unchained and unfettered, at noone's mercy. perhaps a return to non-committance is in order.

den again i cud be blowin things out of proportion. stupid shitty mood to be held accountable for dis. i mean, all i wanted wuz a little bit of shuteye n sumthin had to wake me up 5-6 times in 2 hours. which equates to a miniscule amt of sleep. muz contain dese destructive feelins, fuckin cancerous things dey r. e buggers threaten to proliferate n infect every corner of my consciousness. so lets get dis straight, i wuz BLOODY PISSED bout havin my sleep interrupted. e dreary mental state i subsequently entered resulted in me givin desolation an audience.

lets try a bit of counterfeit optimism on for kicks shall we? comm serv camp tmr n tues. which leaves sufficient time for sleep, ponderin imponderables, pool, movies, bball, sum studyin, stonin at kino, meals wif frens n sushi buffet of cos in no particular order, sleep excluded. tt's #1.

which reminds me, i need to find out my group for tmr's comm serv. hmm.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 6:03 am

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Saturday, September 06, 2003:

delectably sublime

back from zouk. it wuz one helluva experience. soulfoul, deep, poignant, ethereal music. partied all nite, till e music stopped round 345am. paul heller wuz spinnin, his musical intuition hit bullseye virtually all e time. far exceeded all expectations, totally mind blowin. superb music, great ambience, airconditionin so gd u neva sweat even after 4 hrs of dancin n plenty of chiobus to dance wif. my best club experience to date. kudos to red's older bro's gf for gettin me in free. she's a zouk member so e bouncers let her drag me in no qns asked. muz do dis more often, esp when phuture's havin rnb nite.
odd/amusin/interestin sights : a pair of gay bangla workers, a drag queen, e largest pair of (natural) mammaries i've ever seen, hoebag who shared sum lollipop she wuz suckin wif qt alot of guys n threw herself at everyone.
red's older bro n their 20sumthin yr old frens r qt an interestin bunch. dey all drink like siao n smoke like dere's no friggin tmr. aniwae managed to scout out a possible location for a post promos party. hmm.

aniwae term3 ended on fri. time flies :P blueslipped den went mosque bfore settlin down to sum unproductive hours tryin to study wif tim. sorta bumped into e whole world down at orchard.

sat wuz juz tirin, chem o selection test (screwed) den violin lesson den bball back at ri. bball wuz damned fun. tokin win rayner over dinner n on 156 wuz a mind openin experience. i envy how he can feel so genuinely happy, even when so many things dun seem to be on his side. juz hope he duzn get too smug, decide tt it's okae for him to slack since he's feelin happy n end up jeopardisin his future sumwat.

of cos dere wuz zouk n back to now. argh left my wallet on e nightrider bus home. scru la i'm exhausted.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 2:33 pm

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Thursday, September 04, 2003:

dismal

term1:baoa
term2:ceoe
commontests:cdoo
disterm:optimistically i'll get fdbo

too chao geng for my own gd. e consequences of skivin juz abt evrythin. i can only take comfort in e fact tt i havent done as badly some of my slacky compatriots. inside i noe tt we all haf e innate capacity to far exceed e 2A 2AO pass requirement. 4as. i will settle for no less. i've been fannin e flames all dis while. now they're at their most intense, gonna burn e midnite oil, gonna reduce (no wait actually i'm gonna oxidise) all my bks to ash.

i'll tackle it head on, grab it by e horns n throw it into orbit. everythin, absolutely everythin.

transferrin to 165 is a much faster way to get to sch. but i dun tink it's worth e extra busfare. hmm.

i hobble down memory lane n recall tt a yr ago, prelims began, give or take a wk. i remember how i walked out of e sch hall after every paper, feelin fucked more den half e time. endin wif 8 pts which wuz reduced to 6 after moderation, lucky me. well wateva. to e j2s, all e best to y'all. a final chance for u to muster ure resources, use e sept hols well. i shud too.

i dun haf very much time left. less than 48 hrs in fact. most of it will whizz by wifout me doin anitin remotely useful. so optimistically i'll get 10hrs or so to prepare. for dis, i haf but one chance.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 8:52 am

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Wednesday, September 03, 2003:

haha

mc: so who duzn haf their thermometer animore?
cj (puts hand up enthusiastically): i left it at home.
erps.

sch ended dam earli, so me poh n cj headed for holland v. cj got sumtin from e pharmacy n den we decided on where to eat. dere wuz dis kfc guy givin out kfc discount coupons n wat happened subsequently, obviously a foregone conclusion becos cos of cj's cheapskateness haha ^_^.

wud u belif it, i screwed myself into math remedial. abhor e idea of goin for it, but on e bright side i'll be forced to do sum work. econs lect test tmr, hope it isnt too hard, after all it's juz sum case study. den again, i'm miles behind. retarded pw, hafta make lots of changes to e 2nd draft. knn sai.

trainin todae wuz extremely drainin. still it wuz plenty of fun, even if chiam smashed into my left eye. ouch, still hurts. anw i'm not too keen on doin centre drills, wanna plae forward. sad tt ppl hafta be cut from e team, but it's been effective in makin us multiply our efforts.

emotional blackmailin works, esp among ure gd frens. muz remind myself to yield abit less cos for e most part i dun tink i make excessive demands from dem. dun blackmail me n make me feel like i owe u pls.

i wish for u. my imagination runs wild, contemplatin e possibilities. not sumtin borne of loneliness i tink. no matter how much try askin myself, i still cant put a finger on it. y is it u? for e most part i'm doin ok. which leads to me doin nothin. ppl like don r darned lucky. for e most part he's dam happy. hope kw is as happy as he is ^_^ it's not as easy as it looks n i still dunno how hard it can be, cos i've only been halfwae down e path.

shud i haf refrained from sayin wat i said earlier on todae? nah. u dun deserve it. u dun haf to make a fool of everyone. still, u did it in jest n i prob din haf to be so forceful bout it. so, sorry (but it duzn count if u dun hear me sayin it rite?).

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 6:44 am

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Tuesday, September 02, 2003:

#^*$(#%!@$#!&@!~

AHHH another long post lost, victim of pressin sum keys in e wrong sequence. knn.

it's amazin wat u can do wif sum doggedness, a little perseverance n substandard neural equipment. my dyspepsia of chemical knowledge is almost gone. tonite, we imbibe till it flows out of our ears.

chem o trainin wuz amusin, wat wif sx sittin on my left n councillor sng sittin behind me. sx wuz of cos his usual crazy self, laffin like a madman at times, pointin at mrchan for no apparent reason n of cos pokin ppl repeatedly. sng took off his shoes n placed his heavenly smellin feet in my vincinity. irritated me enuff to prompt my unruly hand to tickle his sole. eventually he started pullin my hair too n tt pissed me off, i lunged for his leg hair but failed to dislodge a sufficient number of hairs from their follicles to return in kind e pain he caused me. grr.

kena diao by sum bus conductor on 156 to sch todae. since i lost my ezlink card donkey yrs ago n haf yet to replace it, i paid coins. later on conductor checked for my ticket n asked to see my ezlink card, which i of cos din haf. qt lucky actually tt i managed to tok myself out of trouble so she din make me pay adult fare.

btw, bio remedial is retarded.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 8:15 am

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Monday, September 01, 2003:

...

explorer f-ed up n caused my long post to go up in smoke. knn. knn. screw u microsoft. take ure shitty programmin n stuff it up where it belongs mr.gates.

i'm seethin, oh boy i am mercury risin. i will not be denied. but i will not force my way. like water i'll be, wearin u down ever so slowly. i shall endure. i shall be patience n temperance incarnate.

watched pirates of e caribbean on sat nite. bloody entertainin. action movie wif sufficient plot to keep it all together. johnny depp wuz brilliant as captain john sparrow. e special effects were groundbreakin, esp e skeleton under e moonlight effect. a most memorable scene as well, seein sparrow come into port standin on e mast of his deplorable boat, wif only 2 or so feet of it peekin above e water's surface. nice quotes like "the only rules are what a man can do and what a man cannot do". swashbucklingly brilliant, shud go down well wif ani audience. watch it.

reunion of e 3 stooges. me red n howard were met for food n studyin dis tchrs' day. however as alwaes i end up tching dem math instead of studyin wateva it is i wanna study. i take comfort in e fact tt wif regard to math we're all much better off now.

i'm lettin e tension build up, enuff tt when i open e floodgates i'll come rite back at 200mph n clear all e obstacles. i'll be runnin on adrenaline n u wun be able to do nuts abt it HAH. let e pressure build up, den i'll reeli be cookin...

let's go, cmon cmon.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 10:20 am

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